I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
