i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
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She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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