I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
