plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
