Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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