How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
