Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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