He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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