his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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