How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
