Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
