The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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