And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
