remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The adults are the big ones right?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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