you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
