Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
