i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
