So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
