i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
