No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
