He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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