i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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