there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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