She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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