My nipple is on Facebook.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
