i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may now shotgun with the bride
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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