did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
