it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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