the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
