These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
