She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
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I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going