I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.