A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
