sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
