that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
