when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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