guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?