She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I want her autograph on my taint
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.