I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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