so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
