you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
