dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.