I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
