Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
