I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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