Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
