I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
