Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
