OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
