Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
