____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
