Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
