mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
