Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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