Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize