here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
