I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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