I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
