My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
